the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
