Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It's blow job season.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
