She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
oh god the rape fog is back!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
