what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
