In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
