so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
