Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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