I swear god or herbie drove my car home
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
