so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
