fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
