Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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