it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
A+ Viking dick
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
