Soap is not a condiment
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My ATM looks so different sober.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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