Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
barbara walters just said penis...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
