No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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