You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
