I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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