My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
