Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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