i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
