Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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