Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
