I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
