A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
