you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
