There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
