you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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