Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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