I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
