He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
