Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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