saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize