the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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