youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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