normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
