toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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