I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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