im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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