Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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