literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
