explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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