the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
