Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
