I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
