i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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