i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
