she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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