i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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