so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
