If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
