haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
