My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize