So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
