he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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