you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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