it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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