my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
